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Post by Behind The Goal on Aug 1, 2010 16:01:08 GMT
Cm'on....as per before ..the worse the better
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Post by Behind The Goal on Aug 1, 2010 16:08:31 GMT
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the motorway found an abandoned petrol station went in there and took a dump.
While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your arse with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a bloke with two bricks smacked his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.
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Post by Behind The Goal on Aug 1, 2010 16:12:08 GMT
A man walks into a doctors office one day, completely naked, and covered in cling film He goes to the doctor, and the doctor does some tests, and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
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Post by Behind The Goal on Aug 1, 2010 16:14:45 GMT
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head? A: Mandy Lifeboats!
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 2, 2010 19:54:10 GMT
Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's f***y.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that.'
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Post by oxymoron on Aug 3, 2010 20:23:22 GMT
Paddy the painter would often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Paddy was able to put in the low bid and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding, the job almost finished, there was a tremendous clap of thunder and the skies opened. The ensuing downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and a bolt of lightning knocked Paddy off his scaffold and onto the lawn
Laying among the gravestones surrounded by puddles of thinned and worthless paint, Paddy knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh Lord! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And amidst the peels of thunder, a mighty voice boomed out “REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
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Post by Winchesterox on Aug 4, 2010 5:07:16 GMT
I see corduroy pillow cases are making headlines.
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Post by mrboogle on Aug 4, 2010 14:56:10 GMT
Me & my partners favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' ! . . . Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage. There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet. Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least another four blimin' years before it happens again!
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Post by Boogaloo on Aug 4, 2010 15:25:48 GMT
Farting in a crowded elevator is wrong on so many levels.
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Post by edgecam on Aug 4, 2010 19:14:08 GMT
At the hospital the doctor takes the husband aside, and said, I don't like the look of your wife at all. Me neither doc, said the husband.
But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.?
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Post by static on Aug 4, 2010 21:44:10 GMT
WIFE: you only ever want sex when your drunk
HUSBAND: not true, sometimes i want a kebab
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Post by 'Beav' on Aug 5, 2010 2:37:03 GMT
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
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Post by edgecam on Aug 5, 2010 6:23:47 GMT
Iron Man is a Super Hero Iron Woman is a Command.
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Post by Bampton Beech Boy on Aug 5, 2010 21:20:16 GMT
What do you call an ginger prostitute?.................Orange pay as you go.
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Post by Bampton Beech Boy on Aug 5, 2010 21:23:35 GMT
Two WPC's are out on foot patroll with their alsatian. 'I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my nickers at the station' say's th first, to which her colleague replies 'Use the dog. Give him a sniff of your f***y and he'll fetch them for you'. So she let's the dog sniff her and he bounds off back to the station. Two hours later he returns, with a truncheon, a plastic baton and three of the sergeants fingers.
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Post by Bampton Beech Boy on Aug 6, 2010 19:24:12 GMT
T V Licence man came to the door, 'Have you got a TV licence Sir?', 'No' I replied. 'Well you've got an aerial', I said 'I've got milk in the fridge, but i haven't got a cow'
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Post by YellowHoods on Aug 6, 2010 19:38:31 GMT
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman in a pub.
Englishman says "my wife is really stupid. She's gone on a diet and she isn't even fat!"
Scotsman says "that's nothing! My wife is so stupid she's ordered a new car and she can't even drive!"
Irishman says "I can beat that! My wife is so stupid she's gone on holiday to Ibiza with her mates and packed three dozen condoms, but she doesn't even have a cock!"
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Post by Gavin Archery on Aug 13, 2010 10:24:30 GMT
If you take an Oriental and spin him around, does he become disoriented?
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Post by Behind The Goal on Aug 13, 2010 12:23:41 GMT
Mick visits Paddy on his farm He finds him in a barn doing a striptease to music in front of farm machinery. Mick says"Paddy what on earth are you doing?" Paddy says" well Mick.... me and the wife aren't getting on and shes been ignoring me...so I went to a therapist, it was suggested I do something sexy to a tractor"
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Post by mincheryboy on Aug 13, 2010 19:04:18 GMT
What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left with is a greasy box.
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