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Post by Bampton Beech Boy on Oct 16, 2010 19:37:06 GMT
What do you get if you cross a ball 7 Emile Heskey....................a goal kick.
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Post by bblyellow on Oct 16, 2010 21:20:20 GMT
when collen rooney got the text from wayne sayin he sleep wiv a 19 yr old escort she texted bk has it got tax and mot
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Post by oxymoron on Oct 18, 2010 14:23:14 GMT
Huge disruption to travel in the Northwest today has been traced to a points failure at Anfield…
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Post by junior1 on Oct 18, 2010 14:24:20 GMT
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic gunman?
He shat himself
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Post by Gavin Archery on Oct 20, 2010 15:05:42 GMT
NEW!! ... At IKEA!
Lesbian beds .. No screws, its all tongue and groove!
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Post by oxymoron on Oct 21, 2010 9:28:43 GMT
Liverpool's new owners have decided to rename the club to give it a more American feel. From Saturday, they will be re-branded as "The Hubcap Steelers".....
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Post by Boogaloo on Oct 21, 2010 9:52:01 GMT
Fred Flintstone pops into a Travel Agent
FF - Have you any flights to Dubai?
TA - I'm sorry sir, but we don't
FF - Hmmm, what's the nearest you have?
TA - Will Abu-Dhabi Dooooo!!!!
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Post by 'Beav' on Oct 25, 2010 20:25:26 GMT
I went to the zoo they other day.
All they had was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
I went to the gym the other day and asked my instructor whether he could teach me how to do the the splits -
How flexible are you? - he asked me
'Well - I can do Tuesdays'
I farted on the bus the other day, and a man turned to me and said -
- 'Can you not fart infront of my wife please? -
So I said to him -
- I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn.
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Post by grb on Oct 26, 2010 15:49:47 GMT
I was in Tesco's the other day and a bloke chucked a block of cheese at me. I just looked at him and said 'that's mature'!
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Post by Gavin Archery on Oct 26, 2010 16:15:21 GMT
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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Post by Gavin Archery on Oct 27, 2010 15:10:43 GMT
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
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Post by oxymoron on Oct 28, 2010 22:30:50 GMT
Let's get em all out the way in one go
It's not right to make jokes about Paul the Octopus so soon. I mean, the ink hasn't even dried yet.
Liverpool finally win a match and Paul the Octopus has a fucking heart attack
Paul the Octopus dies from Starvation! - Cruel pranksters altered the boxes containing his daily meals of mussels... they put an England flag on each.
Paul the Octopus: six feet under, two above.
Paul the Octopus has died?
Big deal, he isn't the first thing to die in a tank in Germany.
Paul the Octopus has died.
As a tribute, Sky Sports will be showing his favourite ten tackles...
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Post by yelloexile on Nov 12, 2010 12:33:08 GMT
Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. After a belting set he asks the audience if they have any requests. Wee Japanese fella at the front shouts up "Play a jazz chord" So Stevie sets about playing an amazing Harlem Jazz Blues Set for 15 minutes. The wee fella shouts up again...."No, No play a Jazz Chord" So Stevie says "Look if you think you can do any better then come up here and do it" So the japanese fella gets up on stage, sits at the piano, pulls the microphone to him and sings...... "A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY A RUV YOU, A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY A DOOOHOOOOO"  |
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Post by Gavin Archery on Nov 12, 2010 12:36:39 GMT
I'm really enjoying my job measuring car exhaust gases.
I'm like a man on emisson!
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Post by yellowwhite on Nov 16, 2010 13:15:08 GMT
Just got myself a new aftershave that smells like bird crums...........
The birds love it
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Post by oxymoron on Nov 19, 2010 21:26:55 GMT
Warning.
For the last six weeks, female aliens are known to have been scanning the male population and kidnapping the men with big dicks.
If you have not been taken yet, then you are probably not in any danger, I just thought I should let you know that I won't be able to post for a while....
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Post by 'Beav' on Nov 19, 2010 23:48:05 GMT
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
I am naive, the lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
'Do you know what a blowjob is?'
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
My daughter has just walked in the room and apparently she wants me to beat the shit out of her, stamp on her head then drown her in the bath.
Or as she put it "Hi Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Jamahl."
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Post by 'Beav' on Nov 19, 2010 23:54:20 GMT
I raised the alarm at work today.
The midgets were furious.
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Post by truthteller on Nov 20, 2010 0:24:55 GMT
What do you call a dead Muslim optician?  ....Azif eyecare  |
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Post by peterdevo on Nov 28, 2010 21:47:34 GMT
hear about the guy who stole a calendar
Got twelve months plus five years for other calendars taken into consideration
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